I’ve often felt I was a double agent, living more than one life at a time. As I touched on before, I grew up in a loud, rambunctious, Latin family. I wouldn’t trade my family or my childhood for anything in the world. This isn’t to say I did not threaten to find a new family the majority of my childhood, but at the end of the day, I loved my childhood. We had crazy family parties every birthday and holiday and most random Sunday’s, and there was always loud voices and respectful arguments. We respected our parents, and in this instance respect and fear are used interchangeably, but it worked for us. My mom had always held the opinion that we didn’t have friends… we had acquaintances, and that only family sticks by you and wants the best for you. I thank her now for instilling that strong core family value in me but as a young girl not allowed to go to parties or have sleepovers, it was rough. While my family gave me intense pleasure and cruel punishments, it was my song, high notes and low notes. Fun fact, there is an art to voodoo dolls, you can’t just make one from leftover arts and crafts and expect them to work. On another note, past voodoo dolls in the form of your mother and step-father do not make good gifts. They wont like it. Back to Jerrika… because at this point in my life, I was still Just Jerrika.
I always had ants in my pants and wanted to just GO… I’m not sure where I wanted to go, but the urge to flee was there. I was restless, always shuffling between angry and frustrated, but I kept that on the inside… the outer me was peppy and happy and let everything slide right off me. My mom was a general and we were her soldiers. My mother, my home, was an extremely tight ship and I am grateful for that in retrospect but growing up it was hard to accept. That was probably why I felt restless, but I knew there was something more. I grew up Catholic… (Are we all okay now? Can I continue?). My mother was very good about enrolling us in programs and did her part to get us baptized and all the way up to confirmation, but was very adamant that Gd was in her heart and was a personal connection to her and didn’t really stand by the organized religion and actually church. She felt it was just a building and part of me understood that and part of all kids just go along with what their parents think. But I wasn’t content with that and I started to go to church more and more on my own, and I wasn’t fulfilled. When I got into college, I began to research all different religions, and even visited temples, mosques and synagogues. In the end, I obviously found my closest connection with Judaism and after a few years of studying I began my conversion. I loved that every single thing in Judaism was accountable. Everything you eat has a blessing, every morning and night their is a blessing. We are accountable for our lives and thankful to Gd for every part of it. I, the queen of no accountability, loved that part of Judaism.
When I converted, about 11 years ago, it was withing the Orthodox doctrine. For me, it was a huge shift. The way I dressed, the way I spoke, and the way I handled myself. Here comes the double agent… Here I became Tzippy. Fun Fact: Tzipporah means bird in Hebrew. When I was converting, my now husband, then friend told me to pick that name because it was very fitting… since I just chirp, chirped all day. If I knew that I would be called Tzippy for the rest of my life, I might go back and kill him. I love my name, but if you have a non-American sounding name, you feel my pain. I could have been a good Leah or Sarah. Anyways…back to Tzippy.
My family handled my conversion very well. My mom raised strong and independent women so she was used to us going our own way. As long as we had a strong core relationship with Gd, she was happy and felt she had done her job. I have always appreciated how easy the transition had been. When I had kids we hit a stumbling block for a bit, because here was my mom, the hub of our family, unable to cook for her grand kids in her home. Seems silly, just have her come to my house. In order to understand why that wouldn’t work you would have to really understand that my moms home was the hub, the place everyone would go to every holiday and every event. It is still hard for my kids to not be at every cousin birthday. Part of me get’s upset with my sisters, although I would never vocalize it. What would it hurt them to do a birthday party on Sunday? Yeah, I get it, they work Monday and want to relax and have a clean home the day before they get get back to the grind. I get that, and in the end, I am the one who switched up the system. So my kids do FaceTime and settle for being the lesser involved cousins. It doesn’t have to be that way and it wasn’t always, but as they get older, their calendars also fill. So we do our best, and I keep waiting for a Sunday birthday.
In studying Judaism and in being an Orthodox Jew, you know that there are expectations for you as a Jewish woman. Modesty, in both the way you dress and the way you speak is important. The foods you eat and what you drink must be Kosher. You shouldn’t listen to music from the radio because the lyrics might not be appropriate. If you don’t understand why, these beliefs might seem antiquated, but now as I raise my own daughter, my own children, especially in today’s climate, I understand how necessary this can be. I love being Jewish, and it isn’t enough to wear a “uniform”. Everyone has doubts and challenges. I get through them by reminding myself how beautiful being Jewish is. How strong the base focuses in charity, how strong the connection to Gd is in every small act. How strong the community is, all around the world, we remain a close community. The fastest way to the finish line is a straight line. When you want to live a certain life, anything that takes you off that path should be avoided. Like my 6 year old told me awhile back, Following the rules Gd gave us is like using a map, straight to heaven. It was such a perfect analogy, because if you haven’t threatened your kids with heaven and hell, you are not using your religion, any religion as a viable tool.
The main lesson I have learned is to find my happy medium and focus on the aspects I am able to be flexible without compromising my beliefs. I tell my daughter she is the daughter of a king and should always present herself this way. Do I let her run around the backyard looking for worms half naked? Yes. Because happy medium. Jerrika was the life of the party. She was loud, and said inappropriate comments, and made wild gestured. Tzippy had to be refined and modest. Tzippy shouldn’t quote 2Pac, she should quote Rabbinical leaders. Fun Fact: Tzippy finds both 2Pac and Rabbinical leaders inspiring.
I have found a happy medium, and I try to be authentic every day to both agents. It has been hard, and I don’t always pass the test. Being true to yourself is acknowledging the complexities in my life and always commending yourself on making any choice with love. Do I wave goodbye to my kids and put on a Miami 305 Rap mix the minute I clear the carpool lane? Yes. Do I look at inappropriate memes while waiting for the parenting class to begin? Yes. Do I miss my dad’s “Caja China” (in ground roaster which Cuban’s typically roast a complete pig in) every December? Yes. While all these things are true, I have come to realize that what I miss more than anything are the memories attached to that part of me. I remember the car rides to school with that music, I remember holidays when we were all together roasting the pig, all my family before life and time sent us all over the world. I still have those memories and life never stays the same for anyone. There is beauty in that growth.
I went to a class once with a wonderful teacher, Rebettzen Yaffa Palti. She challenged us with travelling in happiness. That happiness was not the destination but the way we travel. She compared us to a oyster. When a oyster has a piece of sand or a parasite it cannot expel, it releases a coating to make it more comfortable to have in its interior. That coating becomes a oyster. She challenged us to improve it if we cannot remove it. I think about that class often, because more often than not, we are hit with obstacles and challenges we shouldn’t remove, but improve.
I’ve always been a “fake it til you make it” kinda girl. That is getting me through life! I still feel like a double agent. Living in two spaces at one time, never completely here or there. I can’t even handle picking our a monogrammed mug, I am two different initials, and 2 different agents. Again, I am going to fake it until I make it. I am showing up as who I want to be, and I am going places. In the words of a big sage, Biggie Smalls: “excellence is my presence, never tense, never hesitant.” I’m going full force, so I think it is much better said “face it til you make it”.
Thank you for reading,
Tzippy
Yaffa Palti is a Rebbetzen and motivational speaker. You can find her on Instagram at @yaffapalti or at her website www.yaffapalti.com
Biggie and 2 Pac can always be found in my heart. Big ups to Brooklyn!